My first friendship break up.

And how I view friendships now.

At 10, my first friendship break up was caused by a dark-skinned human named Winner, my immaturity induced jealousy and an equally immature and unforgiving best friend.

My friendship with Bunmi was a nice, sweet ride until we got to JSS2 and Winner showed up, acting all mysterious and edgy, refusing to mix with the rest of us in class. I remember how Bunmi, a sweetheart, kept trying to make her comfortable - efforts that meant talking more with her than with me, spending more time with her and less with me.

She was only being nice, but I was slowly losing my best friend. I expressed how I felt, albeit childishly - I can’t remember all the contents of the first letter I wrote, but this line from it will probably haunt me forever ‘enjoy your new best friend’, haha.

Now that I think about it, I’ve always been expressive about my emotions- but she took it as me being unreasonably jealous, completely switched up on me and doubled down on her new friendship with Winner. Needless to say, that was the end of our sweet, sweet love and the beginning of a long year of hurt. Not only were we no longer best friends, but I also had to watch her be best friends with someone else in the same class; I assume that’s what it must feel like to watch your former lover go around time with his new love- ladies and gentlemen, it hurt like hell! I cried, I crode, I crewed; I was inconsolable. I still remember my older female cousin at the time saying ‘if you’re crying like this because of a friend, what will you do if a guy jilts you when you’re older?’ What do I care about any stupid guy? I’m talking about my best friend and you’re talking about a guy, be FFR, please.

I apologized for my childish outburst many times, but this girl refused to budge and had me wondering if it was really about that letter I wrote or if she had been meaning to get out and I gave her an opening; guess I’ll never find out. Now, I cringe whenever I remember the content of those letters I wrote, ew. But but. I give myself grace.

I learned to live with it and I started noticing other people, even became close to some of them. Eventually, at the end of JSS3, she came around and wanted to be best friends again, but it was too late; I was changing schools at the start of the next session.

It was something that happened many years ago, at a time when my personality was still taking shape, and even though it hurt so badly at the time, I’m glad I had that experience when I did because it taught me lessons that influence how I view and experience friendships now.

1. Don’t ruin beautiful things because of uncertainty: After I got to my new school, I met awesome new people who wanted to be friends with me -because of the bundle of goodness that I am, please- and I did become friends with some of them, but I couldn’t maintain those friendships. I had a new best friend like every term or two terms at most, and I was constantly ditching them, with or without any good reason. I wasn’t happy that I was constantly leaving them, but I couldn’t help it either. I still remember Angela standing in the middle of the courtyard, looking so sad and wondering what she did to me that made me no longer want to go to the dining or prep together again and me telling her to go with someone else. Angie baby, I am so sorry. I would realize years later that I was leaving first because I was scared of bbeing abandoned first. Truly, hurt people hurt people. Now, I know better and I don’t ruin beautiful things because of the fear of stupid things, like being abandoned. If it lasts, let it last. If it doesn’t, well, it was nice while it lasted and I’m grateful for the experience, which brings me to the next lesson.

2. Relationships sometimes have an expiry date: Some people are meant to be in your life for certain seasons and vice-versa. Once that season ends, the friendship naturally ends and you can move on to something new. But how will you find out if you don’t let go of something that should no longer be held? Things end sometimes because of either or both parties in a relationship, and at other times, things through nobody’s fault. Sad but true, and you have no control over that. You can only treat people as best as you can and with sincerity so that you can let go as gracefully as possible. Some people, you have to let go¹, and deep down, you will know when something has run its course. This is by no means me telling you to be a user or to toy with people’s hearts, don’t be unfortunate o. When you let go gracefully, you’re able to look back on a friendship without regret or resentment, only gratitude for it being exactly what you needed in a particular season of your life. Bunmi, it was a sweet friendship while it lasted. Thank you.

3. Enjoy the gift that people are: you may call this a too-long-lingering vestige of that break-up, but I call it being easy on myself and being considerate towards my friends; these days, I no longer do exclusive best friendships. I totally think best friends (and their exclusive best friendships) are cute, but I simply cannot place that tag on any one person. My personality is multi-dimensional and to expect one person to deal with that all the time seems -for lack of a better expression - like I am overburdening them. I prefer to share different aspects of myself with my people while also experiencing different aspects of them, as varied as they are. A friend once told me that she admires how I’m able to build and maintain friendships with various kinds of people. Lmao, variety is the spice of life, baybee. But as ‘different’ or varied my friends may seem, we share the same values at the core, and I have a feeling that if all my friends ever get to meet, they’ll most likely be friends with one another, too. To all my amazing friends who bring brilliant colours and lights to my life, I love and admire and respect you; I hope I never have you doubting that.

Don’t ruin beautiful things because of fear; fear is stupid and nothing is certain in life anyway, so learn to be present in the moment and enjoy it fully. But if something has run its course, let it go; when water doesn’t flow, it becomes stale, and stale water does nobody any good. If someone wants to move on, please allow them to. Wouldn’t you want the same if the reverse was the case? Last but not least, open yourself up to more people and experiences. Ehn, you heard me right. I’m not telling you to ditch your best friend o. Again, please, don’t be unfortunate. However, don’t limit yourself and your experiences to one person. Even if you have an exclusive best friend, you should leave space for other people and experience rich, deeply fulfilling relationshsips all around - more laughter, more love, more discoveries and more lessons. There are many amazing people who would be glad to meet and love you.

So, that’s me. Tell me, have you ever experienced a friensdip break up? It probably felt like the loss of a limb so I won’t ask you how it felt, but I would like to know what it taught you and how it has changed how you view friendships.

To the beautiful friendships that make life more colourful 🥂,

🦋

I'm currently reading Christy Lefteri's The Beekeeper of Aleppo, a story of tragic loss, survival, resilience, love and the refugee experience - I want to say the Syrian refugee experience, but don't refugees almost always have the same experience at the end of the day regardless of where they're from?

I'm not done yet, but as always, books like this have me thinking about how humans are simultaneously the best and the worst of God's creation. It's a bit heavy, but literature like that is absolutely necessary.

Currently watching Singles Inferno Season 4 so you don't have to watch it, literally! I've let sunk cost fallacy do a number on me regarding this season,, but don't watch it, fr. Compared to the first three seasons (awesome seasons which I absolutely recommend 😍. If you think kdramas are the best, then wait until you discover k-reality and variety shows!), it's bland and that's me being nice.

1. Others are quite literally irreplaceable, so I hope you have the discernment to know them and the wisdom and courage to hold on to them